just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
