So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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