can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know š
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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