I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
