Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
