I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
