Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
