There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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