i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
