can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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