goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
