I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
