I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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