its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
