Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
