I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
