Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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