so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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