somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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