Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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