Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
no you cant smoke seaweed
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
