In the future we'll all be gay
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
