I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
