but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
