Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
