U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
