Umm I'm too high to move.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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