Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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