She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
