Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
