Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
