Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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