Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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