just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
