My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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