I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
