Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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