what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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