He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
