i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
