I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
