bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
