i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
