Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
