Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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