I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
