when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
