Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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