I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
