i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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