During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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