I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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